My favourite jokes

Love of words ~ and word games

  1. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
  2. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  3. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  4. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  5. When a dentist and a manicurist married, they fought tooth and nail.
  6. A will is a dead giveaway.
  7. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  8. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  9. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
  10. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  11. Did you hear about the fellow whose left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  12. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
  13. Alternate: A bicycle moves slowly because it is two tired.
  14. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  15. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
  16. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  18. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
  19. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
  20. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  21. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  22. A pair of jumper cables were served in the local pub only after they promised not to start anything.
  23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  24. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  25. A will is a dead giveaway.
  26. A backward poet writes inverse.
  27. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  28. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  29. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
  30. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  31. When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.
  32. A woman’s swoon may be more feint than faint.
  33. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
  34. A short fortune-teller who escaped from prison is a small medium at large.
  35. When a grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, it resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  36. You are stuck with your debt, if you can’t budge it.
  37. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  38. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  39. A calendar’s days are numbered.
  40. Horses are alone in their class, because they are always out standing in their fields.
  41. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
  42. We will never run out of math teachers, because they always multiply.
  43. To some, marriage is a word; to others, it’s a sentence.
  44. A thief who fell and broke his leg in wet cement became a hardened criminal.
  45. Thieves who steal corn from a garden should be charged with stalking.
  46. The grocery store clerk said you had to go to Office Depot to buy staples.
  47. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  48. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
  49. There was a slight paws before the dog ran off.
  50. A hangover is a wrath of grapes.
  51. When the buyer failed to make payment on the Golden dog he bought, the breeder had to retriever.
  52. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  53. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  54. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
  55. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  56. Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
  57. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts – in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
  58. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
  59. A butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
  60. A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
  61. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  62. A man needs a mistress to break the monogamy.
  63. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor-play.
  64. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  65. Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
  66. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  67. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  68. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  69. Atheists won’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  70. When the grape got stepped on, it let out a little whine.
  71. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his aunt telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said, “No change yet.”
  72. Don’t join dangerous cults – practice safe sects.
  73. When two egoists meet, it’s an I for an I.
  74. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One said to the other, “You stay here, and I’ll go on a head.”
  75. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle – he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
  76. What you get when you mate a shitzu and a bull dog is bullshit.
  77. A sign on the lawn of a drug rehab center says, “Keep of the grass.”
  78. In school, the class trapeze artist with an attitude was always suspended.
  79. A cross-dresser is a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
  80. Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
  81. Six is afraid of seven because seven eight nine.
  82. For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
  83. Editing is a re-wording activity.
  84. Two atoms are walking down the street, and one says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive!”
  85. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
  86. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  87. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  88. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
  89. A lot of money is tainted – ‘taint yours and ‘taint mine.
  90. A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period, because it marks the end of his sentence.
  91. When William joined the army he disliked the phrase “fire at will.”
  92. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  93. Speaking of rights and lefts, you were right so I left.
  94. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
  95. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of defeat.
  96. I’ve been to the dentist several times, so I know the drill.
  97. I got my large circumference from too much pi.
  98. Women who wear $200 perfume obviously have no common scents.
  99. To many women the word “marriage” has a nice ring to it.
  100. He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.
  101. An egg in the monastery sighed and said, “From the frying pan into the friar.”
  102. Nut screws washers and bolts.
  103. Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

Which one is your favorite?

 Courtesy of bonniesbooks.blogspot.com

 

I am so sorry for your loss….

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second  black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said “I am so sorry for your loss, and  this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this.  Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

“What happened to her?”

The man replied “My dog attacked and killed her”.

He inquired further “But who is in the second hearse?”

The man answered “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her”.

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

The man replied “Get in line“.


									

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’
BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I hope this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death


 

The Farmer and the City Boy

A city boy moved to the country and bought
a mule from an old farmer.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said,
“Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died.”
“Well, then, just give me my money back.”
“Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
“OK, then. Just unload the mule.”
“What ya gonna do with him?”
“I’m going to raffle him off.”
“You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
“Sure I can. Watch me.
I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later the farmer met up with the city
boy and asked,”Whatever happened with that dead mule?”
“I raffled him off. I sold a hundred tickets
at two dollars apiece and made
a hundred ninety-eight dollar profit.
“Didn’t anyone complain?”
“Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his two dollars back”.

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.  The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart. What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans’, he replies.
‘Put them back, it’s a waste of money’, demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it’s half the price.’


									

Sending Son to Israel

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to
Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son
returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel.
By the way, I converted to Christianity.”

“Oy vey,” said the father. “What
have I done?” He took his problem to his best friend.
“Sam,” he said, “I sent my son to Israel, and
he came home a Christian. What can I do?”

“Funny you should ask,” said Sam.
“I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a
Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi.” So,
they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.

“Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi.
“I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a
Christian. What is happening to our young people?”

And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.
As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the
heavens:
“Funny you should ask,” said the voice.
“I, too, sent my son to Israel . . . ”

 

 

God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.”

God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.”

 Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?”

 God said, “Go down into that valley.”

 Adam said, “What’s a valley?”

 God explained it to him.

 Then God said, “Cross the river.”

 Adam said, “What’s a river?”

 God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill…….”

 Adam said, “What is a hill?”

 So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

 He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave”

 Adam said, “What’s a cave?”

 After God explained, he said, “In the cave you will find a Woman.”

 Adam said, “What’s a woman?”

 So God explained that to him, too.

 Then, God said, “I want you to reproduce.”

 Adam said, “How do I do that?”

 God first said (under his breath), “Goodness gracious…”

 And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

 So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

 Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

 God, his patience wearing thin, said “What is it now?”

 And Adam said

 ↓

 

 “What’s a headache?”