Things men know about women

My Favourite Jokes

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A game of golf

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf.

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas

morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly

to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

 

His buddies all chimed in said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a

priority – figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are

on the golf course.

 

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a

fortune! I bought my wife  a diamond ring that she can’t take her

eyes off of.”

 

The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home

planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in

brochures.”

 

The third guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,

reading the manual.”

 

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them

like they have lost their minds.  “I can’t believe you all went to such

expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said,

‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning  – golf course or

intercourse?”  She said, “Don’t forget your hat.”

Christmas time

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?”

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Miss Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

“Well, Miss Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”

Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year .. . Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves . . . and begin to sing:  ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus’. Then we all go to the Bahamas.”=

LETTRE D’UN JEUNE HOMME A SA FIANCEE

Désireux de faire un cadeau à sa fiancée à l’occasion de sa fête, un jeune homme se rend dans un magasin de nouveautés et y achète une paire de gants. Sa soeur qui l’accompagnait en profite pour s’acheter deux culottes en soie. Surchargée de travail, la vendeuse se trompe d’adresse et envoie les deux culottes à la fiancée, accompagnée d’une lettre que le jeune homme avait priée de joindre au paquet.

Ma chérie,
N’ayant pas le bonheur d’être auprès de toi pour ta fête, je t’adresse un petit souvenir qui te dira où est ma pensée en ce jour. Mon choix était difficile et si je me suis décidé pour cet article, c’est que j’ai remarqué à plusieurs reprises que tu n’en porte pas. Ma soeur me conseillait de les prendre longs, mais la vendeuse m’a affirmé que la mode était au court avec un bouton, elle même en porte depuis trois mois, elle me les a montrés. Ils sont à peine froissés et encore propres. Oh ma chérie, si je pouvais te les enfiler moi-même pour la première fois, quel bonheur serait le mien, mais hélas, je ne pourrais te voir que quelques jours après, alors je me résigne à savoir que la main d’autres jeunes gens les frôleront avant la mienne. Mais j’espère que tu les porteras et qu’ainsi tu penseras à moi plusieurs fois par jour en les mettant.

T’iront-ils comme un gant ? Je les ai fait essayer à la vendeuse qui semblait avoir la même taille que toi, et je l’ai observée pendant ce temps, l’effet était ravissant et je suis sûr qu’il en sera de même pour toi. Permets moi de te donner un petit conseil : lorsque tu les enfilera pour la première fois, souffle dedans, afin qu’ils ne restent pas humides et mets y un peu de poudre pour qu’ils glissent mieux.

En attendant de te les voir porter, je dépose un long baiser sur la douce peau qu’ils vont recouvrir.

Ton fiancé qui t’aime

 

Courtesy of http://www.lgwilhelm.ch/HUM_Humour2.html

Lettre par Aurore Dupin George Sand

Lettre envoyée par Aurore Dupin (romancière francaise du XIXe siècle),
dite George SAND (son nom de plume) à Alfred de MUSSET (écrivain francais).
Cette lettre est authentique. A vous de découvrir l’érotisme caché.

Je suis très émue de vous dire que j’ai
bien compris l’autre soir que vous aviez
toujours une envie folle de me faire
danser. Je garde le souvenir de votre
baiser et je voudrais bien que ce soit
là une preuve que je puisse être aimée
par vous. Je suis prête à vous montrer mon
affection toute désintéressée et sans cal-
cul, et si vous voulez me voir aussi
vous dévoiler sans artifice mon âme
toute nue, venez me faire une visite.
Nous causerons en amis, franchement.
Je vous prouverai que je suis la femme
sincère, capable de vous offrir l’affection
la plus profonde comme la plus étroite
amitié, en un mot la meilleure preuve
que vous puissiez rêver, puisque votre
âme est libre. Pensez que la solitude où j’ha-
bite est bien longue, bien dure et souvent
difficile. Ainsi en y songeant j’ai l’âme
grosse. Accourez donc vite et venez me la
faire oublier par l’amour où je veux me
mettre

NB : Relisez-la en sautant les lignes paires

GEORGE SAND (1835)

————————–

La réponse d’Alfred de Musset

Quand je mets à vos pieds un éternel hommage,
Voulez-vous qu’un instant je change de visage ?
Vous avez capturé les sentiments d’un coeur
Que pour vous adorer forma le créateur.
Je vous chéris, amour, et ma plume en délire
Couche sur le papier ce que je n’ose dire.
Avec soin de mes vers lisez les premiers mots,
Vous saurez quel remède apporter à mes maux.

Alfred de Musset

———————

La réponse de George Sand

Cette insigne faveur que votre coeur réclame
Nuit à ma renommée et répugne à mon âme.

George Sand

 

Courtesy of http://www.poetica.fr/poeme-174/george-sand-lettre-par-aurore-dupin/

The Law as it Should Be

One evening after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.  One of them turned to the other and remarked, “I’d give $50 to spend the night with that woman!”

To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark and, turning around, said, “I’ll take you up on that.”  She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $25 as he prepared to leave.  She demanded the rest of the money, stating, “If you don’t give me the other $25, I’ll sue you for it!”

He laughingly said, “I’d like to see you get it on those grounds.”

The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant in a lawsuit.  He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.  His lawyer said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case is presented.”

After the usual preliminaries the lady’s lawyer addressed the court as follows:  “Your Honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50.  The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, paid only $25, one half the amount agreed upon.  The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask that judgment be granted against the defendant to ensure payment of the balance.”

The defendant’s lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case.  His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to present it.  “Your Honor,” he said, “my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and that a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction.  However, my client found a well on this property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being performed personally by him.  We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rental of said property.  We therefore ask that judgment not be granted.”

The young lady’s lawyer came back with, “Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property, and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described.  However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property.  Also, upon evacuating, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him.  In so doing, he not only dragged equipment through the shrubbery, but also left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children.  We therefore ask that judgment be granted.”

AND SHE GOT IT!!!!!

Courtesy of http://www.vcbridge.org/unPC%20Humor/Law%20as%20it%20Should%20Be.pdf