Author: mc1a

Matteo joined the Clicks Brand in 1974 as a Trainee Manager and spent the first nine years of his career in operational management roles within stores. In 1983 he was promoted to the role of Buyer and joined the Merchandise Division. During the following twenty seven years, he applied his extensive buying expertise to various categories and assisted the business in growing from a small retailer to the national household name that it is today. Matteo has not only gained the respect of his many colleagues through the years, but also with the many suppliers that he has dealt with.

Dave Allen on Religion

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Le petit belge

Un Français, un Japonais et un Belge découvrent un génie, il leur dit :

“Jetez n’importe quoi dans l’océan ,si je le retrouve , vous mourrez.!

Si je ne le retrouve pas, vous deviendrez l’homme le plus heureux du monde.

Le Français jette un cure-dent dans la baie de Fort-de-France,
… le génie le retrouve, et …le Français meurt aussitôt.

Le Japonais jette un clou dans la baie de Tokyo,

… le génie le retrouve, et il meurt aussi.

Le petit belge (les habitants les plus intelligents du monde) jette un petit brol dans le port d’Anvers.

Le génie cherche, cherche, cherche, …recherche et recherche encore….
A bout de force, le génie lui demande : “Qu’as-tu jeté ?”

Le Belge lui répond d’un ton moqueur…. “Un Dafalgan effervescent, fieu!!!”

The boys are pushing

The boys are pushing and shoving in the tuck-shop queue: and then the tuck-shop teacher hears one of the boys say “jou ma se @#*$”
She is outraged – and sends him off to the headmaster’s office.
The headmaster asks him: “So what did you say?”
“Nuthing Meneer”
“The teacher heard you swearing”
“No Meneer”
“Well, what DID you say?”
“Meneer – the guys was out of order… So I jus tol them ‘you maasen poos’!”

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

 

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

 

Doctor Joke

A Boer opens a clinic and puts a sign outside *’GET TREATMENT FOR R50 – IF NOT CURED YOU GET BACK R200*

An Indian man thinks this is a great opportunity to earn R200 and goes to the clinic…

*Indian* “I have lost my sense of taste”

*Boer:* “Nurse, bring medicine from box no.22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth”

*Indian:* “Urgh..this is paraffin”

*Boer:* “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me R50”

The annoyed Indian goes back after a few days to recover his money…

*Indian:* “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything”

*Boer:*”Nurse, bring medicine from box no.22 and put 3 drops in his mouth”

*Indian (annoyed):* “This is paraffin. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste”

*Boer:* “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me R50”

The fuming Indian man pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back R200.

*Indian:* “My eyesight has become very weak”

*Boer:* “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this R200”

*Indian(staring at the note):* “But this is R50, not R200”

*Boer:* “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me R50”

You can’t beat a Boer!!=

Little Johnny Joke

Teacher: “Four birds are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”

Little Johnny: “None.”

Teacher: “Listen carefully: Four birds are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”

Little Johnny: “None.”

Teacher: “Can you explain that answer?”

Little Johnny: “One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left.”

Teacher: “Well, that isn’t the correct answer, but I like the way you think.”

Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I ask you a question?”

Teacher: “Sure.”

Little Johnny: “There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?”

Teacher: “The one sucking the cone.”

Little Johnny: “No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think.”

Lottery joke

A guy walks into a church office and says to the secretary at the window, “I want to open the bloody door”
To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, we don’t tolerate such language here?”
“Listen up dammit, I said I want you to open the bloody right now.”
“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this church!”
The secretary left the window and went over to the priest and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the priest asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to donate $1,000,000 to this damn church!”
“I see sir,” the priest said, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

Little  Zachary

Little  Zachary was doing very badly in math.

His  parents had tried everything…tutors, mentors,

flash  cards, special learning centres.

In  short, everything they could think of to help  his math.

 

Finally,  in a last-ditch effort, they took Zachary down

and enrolled him in the local Catholic school  because

they had a reputation for getting  excellent results.

 

After the first day, little  Zachary came home with a very

serious look on  his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother

hello.  Instead, he went straight to his room and  started

studying.  Books  and papers were spread out all over

the room and  little Zachary was hard at work. His mother

was  amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To  her shock, the minute he was done, he marched

back to his room without a word, and in no time,  he was

back hitting the books as hard as before.

This  went on for some time, day after day, while the

mother tried to understand what made all the  difference.

 

Finally,  little Zachary brought home his report Card..

He  quietly laid it on the table, went up to his  room and

hit the books. With great trepidation,  His Mum looked

at it and to her great surprise,  little Zachary got an ‘A’ in

math. She could no  longer hold her curiosity.. She went

to his room  and said, ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head,  no.. ‘Well,

then,’ she replied, Was it the  books, the discipline, the

structure, the  uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?’

Little  Zachary looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the  first

day of school when I saw that guy nailed  to the plus sign,

I knew they weren’t fooling  around.’