Laughter

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Doctor Joke

A Boer opens a clinic and puts a sign outside *’GET TREATMENT FOR R50 – IF NOT CURED YOU GET BACK R200*

An Indian man thinks this is a great opportunity to earn R200 and goes to the clinic…

*Indian* “I have lost my sense of taste”

*Boer:* “Nurse, bring medicine from box no.22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth”

*Indian:* “Urgh..this is paraffin”

*Boer:* “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me R50”

The annoyed Indian goes back after a few days to recover his money…

*Indian:* “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything”

*Boer:*”Nurse, bring medicine from box no.22 and put 3 drops in his mouth”

*Indian (annoyed):* “This is paraffin. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste”

*Boer:* “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me R50”

The fuming Indian man pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back R200.

*Indian:* “My eyesight has become very weak”

*Boer:* “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this R200”

*Indian(staring at the note):* “But this is R50, not R200”

*Boer:* “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me R50”

You can’t beat a Boer!!=

Little Johnny Joke

Teacher: “Four birds are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”

Little Johnny: “None.”

Teacher: “Listen carefully: Four birds are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”

Little Johnny: “None.”

Teacher: “Can you explain that answer?”

Little Johnny: “One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left.”

Teacher: “Well, that isn’t the correct answer, but I like the way you think.”

Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I ask you a question?”

Teacher: “Sure.”

Little Johnny: “There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?”

Teacher: “The one sucking the cone.”

Little Johnny: “No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think.”

Lottery joke

A guy walks into a church office and says to the secretary at the window, “I want to open the bloody door”
To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, we don’t tolerate such language here?”
“Listen up dammit, I said I want you to open the bloody right now.”
“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this church!”
The secretary left the window and went over to the priest and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the priest asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to donate $1,000,000 to this damn church!”
“I see sir,” the priest said, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

Little  Zachary

Little  Zachary was doing very badly in math.

His  parents had tried everything…tutors, mentors,

flash  cards, special learning centres.

In  short, everything they could think of to help  his math.

 

Finally,  in a last-ditch effort, they took Zachary down

and enrolled him in the local Catholic school  because

they had a reputation for getting  excellent results.

 

After the first day, little  Zachary came home with a very

serious look on  his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother

hello.  Instead, he went straight to his room and  started

studying.  Books  and papers were spread out all over

the room and  little Zachary was hard at work. His mother

was  amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To  her shock, the minute he was done, he marched

back to his room without a word, and in no time,  he was

back hitting the books as hard as before.

This  went on for some time, day after day, while the

mother tried to understand what made all the  difference.

 

Finally,  little Zachary brought home his report Card..

He  quietly laid it on the table, went up to his  room and

hit the books. With great trepidation,  His Mum looked

at it and to her great surprise,  little Zachary got an ‘A’ in

math. She could no  longer hold her curiosity.. She went

to his room  and said, ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head,  no.. ‘Well,

then,’ she replied, Was it the  books, the discipline, the

structure, the  uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?’

Little  Zachary looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the  first

day of school when I saw that guy nailed  to the plus sign,

I knew they weren’t fooling  around.’

 

A game of golf

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf.

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas

morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly

to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

 

His buddies all chimed in said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a

priority – figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are

on the golf course.

 

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a

fortune! I bought my wife  a diamond ring that she can’t take her

eyes off of.”

 

The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home

planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in

brochures.”

 

The third guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,

reading the manual.”

 

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them

like they have lost their minds.  “I can’t believe you all went to such

expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said,

‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning  – golf course or

intercourse?”  She said, “Don’t forget your hat.”

Christmas time

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?”

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Miss Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

“Well, Miss Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”

Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year .. . Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves . . . and begin to sing:  ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus’. Then we all go to the Bahamas.”=