Teacher: “Four birds are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”
Little Johnny: “None.”
Teacher: “Listen carefully: Four birds are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”
Little Johnny: “None.”
Teacher: “Can you explain that answer?”
Little Johnny: “One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left.”
Teacher: “Well, that isn’t the correct answer, but I like the way you think.”
Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I ask you a question?”
Little Johnny: “There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?”
Teacher: “The one sucking the cone.”
Little Johnny: “No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think.”
A guy walks into a church office and says to the secretary at the window, “I want to open the bloody door”
To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, we don’t tolerate such language here?”
“Listen up dammit, I said I want you to open the bloody right now.”
“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this church!”
The secretary left the window and went over to the priest and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the priest asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to donate $1,000,000 to this damn church!”
“I see sir,” the priest said, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything…tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centres.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Zachary down
and enrolled him in the local Catholic school because
they had a reputation for getting excellent results.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very
serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother
hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started
studying. Books and papers were spread out all over
the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother
was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched
back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was
back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the
mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card..
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and
hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mum looked
at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an ‘A’ in
math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went
to his room and said, ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. ‘Well,
then,’ she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?’
Little Zachary looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the first
day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign,
I knew they weren’t fooling around.’
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf.
One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas
morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly
to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a
priority – figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are
on the golf course.
The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a
fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her
eyes off of.”
The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home
planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in
The third guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they have lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such
expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said,
‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning – golf course or
intercourse?” She said, “Don’t forget your hat.”
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?”
Patrick addressed the class: “Well Miss Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”
“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”
“Well, Miss Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”
Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”
Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year .. . Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves . . . and begin to sing: ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus’. Then we all go to the Bahamas.”=
Désireux de faire un cadeau à sa fiancée à l’occasion de sa fête, un jeune homme se rend dans un magasin de nouveautés et y achète une paire de gants. Sa soeur qui l’accompagnait en profite pour s’acheter deux culottes en soie. Surchargée de travail, la vendeuse se trompe d’adresse et envoie les deux culottes à la fiancée, accompagnée d’une lettre que le jeune homme avait priée de joindre au paquet.
N’ayant pas le bonheur d’être auprès de toi pour ta fête, je t’adresse un petit souvenir qui te dira où est ma pensée en ce jour. Mon choix était difficile et si je me suis décidé pour cet article, c’est que j’ai remarqué à plusieurs reprises que tu n’en porte pas. Ma soeur me conseillait de les prendre longs, mais la vendeuse m’a affirmé que la mode était au court avec un bouton, elle même en porte depuis trois mois, elle me les a montrés. Ils sont à peine froissés et encore propres. Oh ma chérie, si je pouvais te les enfiler moi-même pour la première fois, quel bonheur serait le mien, mais hélas, je ne pourrais te voir que quelques jours après, alors je me résigne à savoir que la main d’autres jeunes gens les frôleront avant la mienne. Mais j’espère que tu les porteras et qu’ainsi tu penseras à moi plusieurs fois par jour en les mettant.
T’iront-ils comme un gant ? Je les ai fait essayer à la vendeuse qui semblait avoir la même taille que toi, et je l’ai observée pendant ce temps, l’effet était ravissant et je suis sûr qu’il en sera de même pour toi. Permets moi de te donner un petit conseil : lorsque tu les enfilera pour la première fois, souffle dedans, afin qu’ils ne restent pas humides et mets y un peu de poudre pour qu’ils glissent mieux.
En attendant de te les voir porter, je dépose un long baiser sur la douce peau qu’ils vont recouvrir.
Ton fiancé qui t’aime
Courtesy of http://www.lgwilhelm.ch/HUM_Humour2.html